It is with great bewilderment and mental abandonment that on this cold March eve, we are able to relay to you, the faithful partisans of n0ted, an exchange we had with ULTIMATE SLAYMASTER. Regrettably, we are not able to unequivocally say that it even occurred – such is the aberrant nature of our discourse – nevertheless, here it is, in all its blaze and bravura.
UPON REACHING THE COAST, HE FOUND CORNFED HAMMERGLAND HAMMERING A SHARK TO DEATH WITH HIS BARE HANDS, POUNDING IT LIKE A DRUM.
Noted: Noble warriors BASTARD JANGLE-AXE and CORNFED HAMMERGLAND, it is an honour. Tell us, from where do you hail? And what is your quest?
Subject: WE ARE NOT OF THIS WORLD. WE COME FROM ANOTHER REALM SEPERATE TO YOURS, ONE THAT IS LOCATED DEEP IN THE PAST, FUTURE, AND NEITHER. IT IS NOT EASY TO EXPLAIN THESE CONCEPTS IN A WAY YOUR SMALL HUMAN BRAINS WILL COMPREHEND.
THE SLAYMASTERS ARE A NOBLE AND SAVAGE RACE OF THE FROZEN NORTH, WHO LARGELY KEEP THEMSELVES TO THEMSELVES. WHEN NOT KILLING GREAT EAGLES FOR SPORT, THEY ARE CONTENT TO FEAST AND FIGHT AMONGST THEMSELVES. WE TWO, HOWEVER, ARE DIFFERENT. CAST OUT BY OUR TRIBES, AND DISCOVERING A PORTAL TO YOUR MORTAL REALM, WE HAVE MADE IT OUR QUEST TO BRING THE JOY OF COMBAT TO ALL MANKIND.THERE IS FAR MORE TO OUR STORY THAN WE CAN POSSIBLY SHARE HERE, BUT OUR FAITHFUL SCRIBE RODNEY OXTAIL IS HARD AT WORK DOCUMENTING OUR EXPLOITS IN FULL.
Noted: Your album is a terrifying blend of bone-crushing drums, cutthroat riffs and Sauron-level rhetoric. What terrible events caused you to embark on your path of destruction? Will you ever show mercy?
Subject: BASTARD JANGLE-AXE, A HIGHBORN SLAYMASTER AND HEIR TO THE SEVEN CROWNS, GREW IMPATIENT WITH LIFE IN THE ROYAL STRONGHOLD, AND SET OUT ON A QUEST FOR ADVENTURE. ON REACHING THE COAST, HE FOUND CORNFED HAMMERGLAND HAMMERING A SHARK TO DEATH WITH HIS BARE HANDS, POUNDING IT LIKE A DRUM. IT WAS IN THIS MOMENT THAT HE SAW HOW BATTLE AND MUSIC COULD FIT TOGETHER LIKE A KNIFE IN AN EYE.
MANY ADVENTURES ENSUED, INCLUDING BECOMING UNWILLING HEROES TO THE PEOPLE OF THE SOUTH BY EASING THEIR ONGOING EAGLE EPIDEMIC. THE EAGLES JUST HAPPENED TO BE ONE OF THE ONLY FOES WORTH FIGHTING. OUR TIME IS BEST SPENT IN DRINKING AND COMBAT, WE HAVE NO CARE FOR MORTAL CONCERNS SUCH AS FEAR OR DEATH.
THEN, WHEN TWO MEN OF YOUR REALM ACCIDENTALLY DISCOVERED A RIFT TO OUR EXISTENCE DURING A MISADVENTURE INVOLVING A HAM SHANK AND A PENTAGRAM, WE REALISED WE HAD FOUND THE PERFECT VICTIMS.
OR RATHER AUDIENCE.
AS FOR MERCY, IT INTERESTS US NOT. GET INTO THE ARENA OR GET OUT OF THE WAY.
Noted: We have heard nervous murmurings that, for your album, you actually recorded the pained, dying breaths of enemies slain in combat. Can you confirm or deny?
Subject: WE SIMPLY SET UP A PYRAMID OF SONIC MONKS TO CAPTURE THE REGULAR EBB AND FLOW OF THE GREAT HALLS OF THE NORTH. THERE IS ALWAYS THE RIGHTEOUS SOUND OF BATTLE FILLING OUR EARS AS WE DINE AND SPAR. MANY GRAND AND NOBLE WARRIORS HAVE RESTED THEIR SWORD ARMS IN THESE HALLOWED HALLS. ON THIS PARTICULAR OCCASION THE WARRIORS MAHATMA GOATWITCH, SVARTUR CAVALIER, OBLITERON SHREDDERDACTYL AND OURSELVES WERE DOCUMENTED HAVING A SOMEWHAT HEATED DEBATE.
WE WOULD PARTICULARLY LIKE TO RAISE A TOAST TO OBLITERON SHREDDERDACTYL, FOR ROUSING US INTO A FRENZY WITH HIS CONTRIBUTION TO ‘BATTERY OF MAN-MADE SUNS’. HIS AXE-WORK WAS SUCH THAT WE BECAME ENFLAMED WITH PASSION AND PROMPTLY TORE HIM TO SHREDS AND ATE HIM. GOOD JOURNEY FRIEND.
Noted: Your given names seem highly suspect. Though we’re sure we already know the answer, do they bear any phallic implications?
Subject: THESE NAMES WERE NOT ‘GIVEN’, THEY WERE EARNED.
I WISH TO TELL YOU ABOUT A NOBLE AND FEARSOME WARRIOR, THE LEGENDARY KRIMM. HIS LUST FOR FLESH WAS INSATIABLE AND IT WAS TOLD THAT THERE WAS NOT A CREATURE LIVING HE WOULD NOT THRUST HIS SWORD INTO. HE CARED NOT ABOUT GENDER, AGE, RACE OR SPECIES IN HIS NEVERENDING QUEST TO SATE HIS CARNAL URGES. I HOPE THAT THIS ANSWERS YOUR TIRESOME QUESTION.
BUT FORSOOTH, WE TIRE OF THESE RIDDLES WIZARD. WHO ARE YOU TO ASK THESE QUESTIONS OF NOBLEMEN SUCH AS US? TELL US… WHO ARE YOU?
HIS AXE-WORK WAS SUCH THAT WE BECAME ENFLAMED WITH PASSION AND PROMPTLY TORE HIM TO SHREDS AND ATE HIM. GOOD JOURNEY FRIEND.
Noted: We are but lowly scribes, Bartemius The Blind and Gryponyx Greensleeves, seeking to humbly document your fables. We wander these lands alone with a weary horse, and inkwell and a slither of flint.
Noted: We have not two pieces of gold to rub together – to be in your company is payment enough for our hardships. Your booming voice warms our cockles, true bishops of the night. Your throbbing veins truly are a sight to behold.
Subject: DOES THAT BEAR ANY PHALLIC IMPLICATIONS?
Noted: We are not averse to publicly showing our adoration for your mighty weapons to those who dwell in this realm. We’d encourage you to judge for yourself if our undertaking is of a ‘phallic’ nature.
Subject: LET US NOT SPEAK OF THIS AGAIN. FOR HOW DID YOU FIND YOUR WAY INTO THIS SONIC VOID? WHERE DID YOU HEAR OF OUR GRAND HISTORIES?
Noted: Gryponyx was harvesting the ripe mud from nearby the Echoes and Dust conclave. He heard one of their scribes rigorously detailing the stupor he found himself in when in your presence. In an attempt to verify the tales that this scribe spoke of, we took it upon ourselves to embark on a journey across the plains to locate you. The counselor at Warrior’s Pass informed us of your ‘digital’ location after mild interrogation, and here we are.
WE SIMPLY SET UP A PYRAMID OF SONIC MONKS TO CAPTURE THE REGULAR EBB AND FLOW OF THE GREAT HALLS OF THE NORTH.
Subject: A LIKELY STORY MORTAL, THEN WHY HAVE WE NOT SEEN YOU AT ONE OF OUR MANY LIVE OUTINGS THUS FAR?
Noted: The counselor talked of a far-off land, Dùn Èideann, but we are meager in stature and could not possibly traverse the tumultuous landscape on the weight of a mere rumour. Our mud harvest has also been poor this winter, so to broker a trade for a sea ship to verify such information is improbable for now. Bartemius the Blind has lost the use of his eyes. The best we can do is to visit you in our hazy dreams.
Subject: THAT IS A REASONABLE ANSWER SIRS (AND LADY SIRS). WE SHALL EXPECT TO SEE YOU AT FUTURE EVENTS POST HASTE. DETAILS MAY BE FOUND THROUGH OUR ‘DIGITAL’ PRESENCE. SPEAK TO THE CLERICS BELOW FOR MORE DETAILS; THESE TRIVIALITIES ARE OF NO CONCERN WHEN THE SMELL OF A HUNT IS IN MY NOSTRILS. WHERE IS MY HORSE!?
Noted: Here, take ours. He his old and can barely manage anything but a mild canter on rocky ground, but he will serve you well on your future quests.
Subject: EXCELLENT, NOW LEAVE IN PEACE BEFORE WE CLEAVE THEE IN TWAIN. GOOD JOURNEY PEOPLE OF N0TED!
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